By David Quinones
8:30 a.m.: Wake up an hour late for work after staring at blank Word document until 3 a.m. previous night.
9:30 a.m.: Arrive at office, beset on all sides by clients begging for brilliance. Spend 15 minutes cleaning coffee mug.
10:00 a.m.: Peruse Gawker, post snarky comments. Intake processed sugar.
10:30 a.m.: Stare slack-jawed and baffled at the client’s request and direction, reading the same paragraph over and over until it loses all meaning. Assure self that client, the entire office, and in fact the whole world is just minutes away from uncovering what a fraud you are, a hack masquerading as a writer, who can’t back up the big talk on his résumé and clip book.
11:00 a.m.: Get 250 words into piece before identifying completely flawed premise. Take out frustrations on keyboard and desk. Start over, homeboy.
12:00 p.m.: Make rash, unhealthy lunch choices based on stress, fear and loathing.
12:30 p.m.: Consider the irony that while no one cares about your words when you apply your byline to them, people are willing to pay good money for your words when they can apply their own byline to them.
12:45 p.m.: Consider the proper usage of “irony,” and how ironic it is that you’re misusing it after correcting others so often.
1:00 p.m.: Begin three-hour jag of uninterrupted writing, cranking out 5,000 brilliant, fevered words. Passive aggressively alienate coworkers with oversized noise-canceling headphones.
4:00 p.m.: Celebrate creation of elegant, incisive prose with a light proofread and quick send-off to client. More intake of coffee and processed sugar.
4:30 p.m.: Grow dubious over alleged brilliance of 5,000 words. Allow self-doubt to creep in. Spot a lone typo. Commence bathroom crying. Assure self that you are, in fact, a fraud. Research apps that can unsend sent emails. Consider careers in bartending, private investigations, pawnshop entrepreneurship.
5:00 p.m.: Sharpen wit rage-trolling reddit.com. Google “average salary for Las Vegas valet,” “one-way tickets to New Zealand,” and “ghost scene in Three Men and a Baby.”
6:00 p.m.: Receive feedback from client. “Incredible! Thank you for making me look brilliant! Attached, please find the details for your next assignment. Can we see something tomorrow?”
8:00 p.m.: Open new Word document. Commence staring.